I failed myself.

My year of 2015 was quite the journey. I don’t even know where to start…

 

Maybe with the bad…

I withdrew from my classes during the Spring semester, only 3 or 4 weeks before finals. Basically, threw lots of money down the toilet. But something had to lead to that point…

 

I felt abandoned and lonely. Something I knew that was common among those in graduate school. Balancing both school and work was a struggle. But did I make it a struggle in itself, or was I really struggling?

 

For a long time, I didn’t know where to go. Days would go by I didn’t really talk to people. Like, really talk to people. To the point that I became paranoid because nobody would reach out to me. But not like anybody knew…

I recall when it was my birthday, there was a string of ‘Happy Birthday’ texts in a short period time. And I felt angsty because that would be the only time I would be remembered. I was wishing something bad would happen to me, like having to be brought to the hospital because of an accident, just to garner attention. So silly.

I became lazy and lethargic and did not care about responsibility. The things I would be enthusiastic about I would ignore. I neglected attending mass. I would get to work late and leave early. Once at home, I played video games until my eyes became sore. I did not bother to get homework done.
Eventually, I would reach a boiling point.

 

I was not liking the thoughts that got to my head. One night, which wasn’t terribly differently from many other nights, I was pacing quickly back and forth in my bedroom, getting lost in my thoughts with gloomy music playing in the background. It was not uncommon for me just walk around the house, letting my thoughts consume me for what could have been hours. I’d just talk to myself because I didn’t really talk to anyone else much. I really needed to do something. I reached out to my school advisor.

The following day I drove to Bmore and met with my adviser. I simply told her: I need help. To my surprise, she treated my situation as if this was the umpteenth time she has heard all of this. She got me to where I needed to go. Thankfully, there are free psychological services provided by my school.

The next day I left work early (as if I wasn’t doing that already) and drove to DC to meet with someone from mental services. This would be first time in months that I would finally released. I had no idea how easy the words would flow from my tongue and the tears from my eyes.

 

The lady referred me to a few psychologists and chose the one near me. Unlike the comfort I felt from the lady at mental services, this lady was a different experience. I wasn’t sure how these sessions would go and asked others how their experiences were like. After a month, I decided to stop going and thanked the lady for her time and services. While she surely was a nice person, we certainly were not a great match.

However, I would not hesitate to go look again when I feel I need it. And I suggest it for anyone and everyone not to shy away from going to a therapist. Your health, be it physical, mental, spiritual, are all equally important. I hope the stigma of having to go see a therapist will no longer have the negative stigma associated with it. Sooner rather than later.

 

I came to the realization that I created a world within my mind that I became a prisoner of. I stuck with the idea that I was stuck and I was hoping for some crucial life event to shock me back to life.

 

I started to travel. And travel a lot, I did. My reasons were that I needed the escape and I was hoping I’d somehow find the answers. I didn’t find the answers. I don’t know if there is supposed to be an answer.

 

I believe I was living in the past. I believe I wanted specific things to happen just so I can start living again. I was being complacent rather than trying to create my own paths.

 

I’m definitely in a better space right now. I just came back from a life-altering travel experience that I wasn’t expecting at all.

 

Seriously, if you want to be somewhere or obtain something, you have to go get it. As simple as that. My godbrother recently told me: You can be given all the tools and resources, but it’s you who has to go ahead and obtain what you desire.

 

—-

 

It’s already been a year since I started this blog and I haven’t been as active I have liked. Nowhere near. I haven’t even completely my About Me page. I have a lot I wanted to share. Please take my word that I will blog about all my travels within the past year. I’m excited to share with you.

 

I apologize to myself because it was me all along that was the Snorlax in the way. It is only me who was keeping myself from getting to where I wanted to be. The only obstacle keeping you from reaching your destination is yourself.

 

But, oh man, it’s 2016.

2016 will be redemption. Sweet, sweet redemption.

Peace and love always.

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2 thoughts on “I failed myself.

  1. My Dear cuz Patpat…

    ‘Toy, while reading your thoughts & whereabouts… Huh.. My feelings was deeply moved into this kind of conversation with you. I don’t know that my Little bro. Patpat is somehow agonizing into thinking himself what he would like to be, escaping and exploring just to find yourself… or how you will be able to handle or manage yourself. I know the feelings of aloness & abandonment, although we have our family that sorround us.. Somehow, what you had experience recently is the feelings of emptiness within. And really, you need to be able to talk with somebody who could help you find yourself anyways. But the only thing that I can do to help you is that… NEVER STOP PRAYING TO OUR LORD & ASK FOR HIS GUIDANCE. IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO, ALWAYS PUT GOD FIRST IN THE CENTER OF YOUR INTEREST. BEFORE DOING ANYTHING.. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. ALWAYS ASK OUR DEAR LORD JESUS TO GUIDE YOU & STRENGTHEN YOU. REMEMBER THIS, SOMEBODY IS HOLDING YOUR LIFE… & THAT IS GOD. HE IS THE AUTHOR OF OUR LIVES. ASK HIM WHAT HE REALLY WANTS FOR YOU. IF YOU ALMOST HAVE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD & YET YOU STILL FEEL THE EMPTINESS WITHIN, MAY BE… SOMEHOW GOD HAS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR YOU THAT YOU NEED TO FIND IT OUT FROM YOUR HEART. WHAT IF YOU HAVE A HIGHER CALLING?! A VOCATION. AREN’T YOU AWARE OF IT? REALLY, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON INDEED & AS YOUR ATE, I DO REALLY ADMIRE YOUR GOODNESS, TOY. I SWEAR TO GOD. I DO LOVE YOU, PATPAT & I DO REALLY CARE FOR YOU. OK? YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF COZ I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY DEAR LITTLE COUSIN & BRO. PATPAT… SO BE HAPPY & ENJOY THE GOOD LIFE THAT GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO BE WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. GIVE THANKS TO OUR LORD & EMBRACE THE FUTURE THAT HE ALREADY PREPARED FOR YOU. AND JUST LIKE ST. PADRE PIO SAYS… PRAY, HOPE & DON’T WORRY. I LOVE YOU, PATPAT. LET US ALL BE STRONG & LEAVE EVERYTHING IN GOD’S HANDS. GOD BLESS YOU! MAMA MARY LOVES YOU!

    Ate Grace 😉

    Like

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