October ??, 2017

It’s been a while since I took the time to write something down extensively. Not just jot down an idea or an unfinished thought like I do on a daily basis. But just write out what has been tugging on my mind lately. Remember when we would just blurt out what we felt on our online journals? I look back and read some of my old posts from other (hidden) blogs and I smile or shake my head at what I wrote. I presume what I will write on the next pages will lack any real direction, but anywho…

The weather has finally gotten cooler. I welcome the cold, even though I actually loathe it when it drops to freezing. This is the time of the year when I also become a bit more – I don’t know – down? They call it S.A.D. but I’m not so sure.

I should really be quite content with my life. I finally got a decent job and I am enjoying the company of  my workmates for once. They seem like a solid bunch of people. I can’t complain about having a nice-paying job, a car to drive, money in the bank, a roof over my head, two loving parents, a great education, etc. etc. etc. I am fully aware of the privileges I was born with and those of which I have gained. So I’m set, ain’t I?

And yet, in my heart, there always seems to be this unfillable void. Something lacking. Something I have been searching for the longest time. I know it’s there. At the same time, while I acknowledge this feeling, I feel selfish about it. To think that I possess a lot more than what the large majority of the inhabitants on this planet have, and yet, I still feel an emptiness. Someone tell me: is it wrong to feel this way? Does that make me a ‘bad’ person?

I pray about it. I feel like my internal dialogues or whenever I decide to speak out loud when I’m alone are also prayers to God. He’s supposed to be listening at all times. If somehow He could tell me what are the purest thoughts and intentions of my heart and mind. And let me pursue those things. I just want to know what it is I truly need, not what I want. What is the thing that will provide me peace of mind? I admit I don’t pray enough. But I’m always keeping others in my thoughts and prayers. ALWAYS.

I like to think that if I just keep doing good deeds, maybe that could remove the void. While it is something terribly difficult to do, I want to do things for others and expect nothing in return. Is that even possible? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? I mean, if you truly have a loving heart. Just do good. That’s what I tell myself. Eventually, whether on Earth or in Heaven, you will be given what is deserved. I tell myself Give praise when it is due. Give thanks when it is justified. Give when there is something to give. Give when there is none to give. 

Nothing that I just wrote got me closer to any truth. I just wanted to let you know that I feel this way. Not just right now, but often. You may not have any answers. There may actually be no answer. This may just be a struggle I must deal with. Forgive me if I sound silly or unappreciative of what life has offered me. I’m just glad you read it. My hand is getting a bit tired like my eyes are right now. I’ll end this here. Hey, I hope you take care.

Good night.

 

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