Sa Sinomang Makakabasa Nito…

 

October ??, 2017

It’s been a while since I took the time to write something down extensively. Not just jot down an idea or an unfinished thought like I do on a daily basis. But just write out what has been tugging on my mind lately. Remember when we would just blurt out what we felt on our online journals? I look back and read some of my old posts from other (hidden) blogs and I smile or shake my head at what I wrote. I presume what I will write on the next pages will lack any real direction, but anywho…

The weather has finally gotten cooler. I welcome the cold, even though I actually loathe it when it drops to freezing. This is the time of the year when I also become a bit more – I don’t know – down? They call it S.A.D. but I’m not so sure.

I should really be quite content with my life. I finally got a decent job and I am enjoying the company of  my workmates for once. They seem like a solid bunch of people. I can’t complain about having a nice-paying job, a car to drive, money in the bank, a roof over my head, two loving parents, a great education, etc. etc. etc. I am fully aware of the privileges I was born with and those of which I have gained. So I’m set, ain’t I?

And yet, in my heart, there always seems to be this unfillable void. Something lacking. Something I have been searching for the longest time. I know it’s there. At the same time, while I acknowledge this feeling, I feel selfish about it. To think that I possess a lot more than what the large majority of the inhabitants on this planet have, and yet, I still feel an emptiness. Someone tell me: is it wrong to feel this way? Does that make me a ‘bad’ person?

I pray about it. I feel like my internal dialogues or whenever I decide to speak out loud when I’m alone are also prayers to God. He’s supposed to be listening at all times. If somehow He could tell me what are the purest thoughts and intentions of my heart and mind. And let me pursue those things. I just want to know what it is I truly need, not what I want. What is the thing that will provide me peace of mind? I admit I don’t pray enough. But I’m always keeping others in my thoughts and prayers. ALWAYS.

I like to think that if I just keep doing good deeds, maybe that could remove the void. While it is something terribly difficult to do, I want to do things for others and expect nothing in return. Is that even possible? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? I mean, if you truly have a loving heart. Just do good. That’s what I tell myself. Eventually, whether on Earth or in Heaven, you will be given what is deserved. I tell myself Give praise when it is due. Give thanks when it is justified. Give when there is something to give. Give when there is none to give. 

Nothing that I just wrote got me closer to any truth. I just wanted to let you know that I feel this way. Not just right now, but often. You may not have any answers. There may actually be no answer. This may just be a struggle I must deal with. Forgive me if I sound silly or unappreciative of what life has offered me. I’m just glad you read it. My hand is getting a bit tired like my eyes are right now. I’ll end this here. Hey, I hope you take care.

Good night.

 


 

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Sumulyap

 

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4AM thoughts.

The heart has been heavier lately. The brain has been exhausted. The feet aching. The eyes droopy.

Bish, don’t kill my viiibe. Bish, don’t kill my viiibe.

I think of what happened this past weekend in the state south of me. I think of how “the leader of the free world” has fostered this type of environment to allow these sad hooligans to come out of the woodwork. I pay attention on a daily basis to the obscene headlines, the offensive actions, repugnant tweets. It’s to the point of numbness, like from a lack of blood circulating to the extremities. Should anything be shocking to us anymore? We’ve seen what we’ve seen, the masks have been removed, and the person who we knew then is still the person we see today.

I tend to carry the weight of the world and the burdens of others on my shoulders. I know…it’s unnecessary and truthfully unhealthy. That’s just my biological makeup. But I – we – must maintain composure. It is these trying times when I feel useless if I don’t take action. I gotta do something about it. But what?

I have the urge to unplug myself from the electricity of social media and television (okay, DVRed shows). I’ve done it before several times. It’s sensory overload. Although these avenues are typically where I receive my entertainment and news, it’s become a bit too much. It’s a symptom of not having a full-time job. It’s what eats up a lot of my time. Maybe I just need a little alcohol in me.

I want to do more exciting things. I should go hiking more. I should learn how to DJ. I should edit these damn videos. I should read more books. I should be writing more. On the other hand, I feel guilty partaking in these pleasures because 1) I just want a job, at least a better-paying one, 2) My full-time job right now is getting a full-time job, and 3) I NEED MORE MONEY. Oh, October you can’t come soon enough.

Sobrang miss na miss ko kayong lahat. Araw-gabi. At sana, magkikita rin tayo ulit. Sa madaling panahon. At ngingiti kami. Tatawa kami. At magiging masaya kami. Hintayin mo na lang ako ha…

It would be nice to have a day where I could be totally irresponsible and forget my worries. Not report to my airport shift. Take a long road trip. BOSTON, ANYONE?! It’s been a while since I traveled. Oh, how I spoiled myself last year and the year before.

By the way, y’all…I just got hipped to Copeland this past week. How did I miss out on them? They would have fit perfect during my high school days. Been listening to their music all week. Which reminds me, I haven’t been to a concert in soooooo long.

I’m trying to get back to my pre-freshman 15 weight.
SEE ME IN A COUPLE MONTHS, BOIIII!
I actually don’t know what weight that was back then. But, basically, I’m trying to get to a respectable number on the scale. YA FEEL ME?

I’ll leave you with this:

We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must – at that moment – become the center of the universe.

Elie Wiesel

 

Tomorrow, I’ll be fine again.


Songs of the moment

IV OF SPADES – Ilaw Sa Daan

Copeland – Erase

Elliott Smith – Strung Out Again

Don McLean – Vincent

13 Months (and a Week)

June 24, 2016.

That was day I happily quit my office job and said sayonara to my coworkers. I recall my projectmates being shocked that I announced my exit only two weeks prior. My previous projectmates knew this would eventually happen as I had told them all about the courses I was taking and expressed excitement in the material I was learning. Only a month before did I earn my Master’s degree in hopes of making a smooth career shift into a different field. Or maybe a career pivot.

At the time, I was so certain of myself and the direction I was heading towards. Before I began working the regular 9 to 5, I wanted to take a hiatus. And I prepared for this for several months before my last day in the office. Having worked three years full-time and schooling part-time, I deserved a nice, long vacation before diving back into the dreaded ocean of corporate life. I didn’t realize the career switch wouldn’t go so smoothly as planned.

Continue reading

Three Relaxing Months

The long blog post drought is over! I honestly did not have the drive to write well-thought out posts the past couple months and I had abandoned this blog temporarily. The reasons are to be disclosed sometime in the future. But for now, I’m hoping to make the most of the following months before school starts again in September, especially since this will be the first summer since 2012 in which I’m not taking class. Lord knows, I really need this break!

Fellow blogger, PM, recently listed some of the things she hopes to do this summer. I want to do the same! I’ve already started on some “summer” (since it’s not really summer yet) projects and I’m hoping to accomplish some of these goals by the time the leaves start changing colors again.

Spring/Summer cleaning
It’s already been at least two weeks that I’ve been trying to get rid of things in my possession. My room hasn’t been neat since I started cleaning and organizing my stuff. One thing I’m annoyed with about myself is that I’m a nostalgic person, and everything I decide to keep is because of some sentimental reason. Also, I have wayyyyy too many T-shirts. I must have obtained around 25 to 30-ish shirts during college, mostly freebies. And I went on some craze back then to get all kinds of shirts I liked just because of a cool slogan or because it represented something I liked. WASTE OF MONEY.

I possess a lot of media: books and music (vinyl records/CDs). Books are the bigger issue in terms of having room to store them. I decided to buy a new bookshelf to accommodate for all these books that I haven’t even read yet.

I’m also wondering if I really wanna keep this cheap Nook and a netbook I have. Don’t feel like selling them. Maybe if somebody just wants it…

DJing
So I finally did it and bought myself some turntables. Vinyl turntables. They are heavy as haaaaail (to the Redskins!). Got the mixer, cartridge upgrades, software, and all that jazz. Now I just gotta find the time to start practicing.

Upgrade car audio system
This past weekend a friend helped out on upgrading the head unit and front speakers, along with adding an amplifier, to my Civic. I don’t know as much about audio systems as I feel I should, being an electrical engineer and all that. So I feel inadequate when I don’t know exactly the science behind how these things work. Anyway, we haven’t completely the set up and, right now, I’m riding around with no front speakers working. LOL. It’s so depressing. But it’s pretty cool taking apart parts of your car and seeing how things are connected. I can see myself being one of those dudes that just spends weekends tooling around with stuff. Maybe when I’m like 40.

But yeah, I hope this set up eventually works so I can ride around town, windows down, blasting Bad Blood like a bawse.

Travel
I’m going to do a lot of it. Enough that I might get tired of it and, instead, want to stay right at home.

Outdoors
Got a year-round parking pass at Great Falls. Why not? Definitely want to be more outdoorsy while the weather is nice (or scorchingly hot and humid). I want to be active.

Let’s play basketball, anyone??

And ride bikes because I’m so lame at it!

It’s also outdoor movie season everywhere! DC chillin’ more often for sure.

Read
Always good to read some books for stimulation. Personally, I’m interesting in reading personal finance/investing books and also the Filipino novels I bought back in January. I’ll shoot to read at least 3 books in the next 3 months.

It’s so easy to get caught up in having fun or in the mundane. Ebbs and flows. I’m hoping I can use this time to relax a bit more and clear the mind. I hope I can spend more time with friends, too. I don’t get to see people as much as I like and I miss having good times!

Split

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Looking back at all the pictures I took while in the Philippines, this is one of my favorite shots. I decided not to bring either my camcorder or point-and-shoot during this trip; instead, I trusted in my smartphone. As much as I love capturing moments with technology, I decided not to focus too much wanting that Kodak moment, but rather just inscribe them into my mind.

This photo was taken at my aunt’s house in Batangas, as the sun was setting. I love how you can tell the sun is setting, yet parts of the sky is still blue with some dark clouds lingering. My Tita lives in a rural area where people farm to make their living. Usually, when I visit, my cousin and I would go fishing in the ponds to catch dinner and go frolicking at the beach, which is only a very short walk from the house. It’s not a beach where you can lie in the sand and get a tan, but you get a nice view of the sea and feel refreshed from the consistent breeze. Most of my family, at least the family that I stay with, live in the probinsya, meaning not the city. I enjoy the rural life: it’s more relaxing and slow-paced. Whenever I’m in Manila, it’s just pollution and noise and HOT and I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t think I’m meant for that type of lifestyle.

…It’s been almost four weeks now since I got back to America. It’s like, each time I visit, more of me stays over there. I feel comfortable in that space. I feel accepted. I feel loved. I feel like I belong. I miss it. I miss them.

Hmm.