Sa Sinomang Makakabasa Nito…

 

October ??, 2017

It’s been a while since I took the time to write something down extensively. Not just jot down an idea or an unfinished thought like I do on a daily basis. But just write out what has been tugging on my mind lately. Remember when we would just blurt out what we felt on our online journals? I look back and read some of my old posts from other (hidden) blogs and I smile or shake my head at what I wrote. I presume what I will write on the next pages will lack any real direction, but anywho…

The weather has finally gotten cooler. I welcome the cold, even though I actually loathe it when it drops to freezing. This is the time of the year when I also become a bit more – I don’t know – down? They call it S.A.D. but I’m not so sure.

I should really be quite content with my life. I finally got a decent job and I am enjoying the company of  my workmates for once. They seem like a solid bunch of people. I can’t complain about having a nice-paying job, a car to drive, money in the bank, a roof over my head, two loving parents, a great education, etc. etc. etc. I am fully aware of the privileges I was born with and those of which I have gained. So I’m set, ain’t I?

And yet, in my heart, there always seems to be this unfillable void. Something lacking. Something I have been searching for the longest time. I know it’s there. At the same time, while I acknowledge this feeling, I feel selfish about it. To think that I possess a lot more than what the large majority of the inhabitants on this planet have, and yet, I still feel an emptiness. Someone tell me: is it wrong to feel this way? Does that make me a ‘bad’ person?

I pray about it. I feel like my internal dialogues or whenever I decide to speak out loud when I’m alone are also prayers to God. He’s supposed to be listening at all times. If somehow He could tell me what are the purest thoughts and intentions of my heart and mind. And let me pursue those things. I just want to know what it is I truly need, not what I want. What is the thing that will provide me peace of mind? I admit I don’t pray enough. But I’m always keeping others in my thoughts and prayers. ALWAYS.

I like to think that if I just keep doing good deeds, maybe that could remove the void. While it is something terribly difficult to do, I want to do things for others and expect nothing in return. Is that even possible? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? I mean, if you truly have a loving heart. Just do good. That’s what I tell myself. Eventually, whether on Earth or in Heaven, you will be given what is deserved. I tell myself Give praise when it is due. Give thanks when it is justified. Give when there is something to give. Give when there is none to give. 

Nothing that I just wrote got me closer to any truth. I just wanted to let you know that I feel this way. Not just right now, but often. You may not have any answers. There may actually be no answer. This may just be a struggle I must deal with. Forgive me if I sound silly or unappreciative of what life has offered me. I’m just glad you read it. My hand is getting a bit tired like my eyes are right now. I’ll end this here. Hey, I hope you take care.

Good night.

 


 

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Pasasalamat

Taken with iPhone 6s, filtered to B&W
Written on 9/3/2017

Some years ago, probably as a senior in college, I had watched a TED talk by Shawn Achor, a psychologist who argued that, by being happy, one becomes more productive. What intrigued me the most about his talk were the five tasks he suggested we do to create a positive change. I have these tasks written on the whiteboard hanging in my room ever since. I don’t look at my whiteboard everyday and I haven’t really kept these tasks in mind. Certainly not on a daily basis. However, I looked at my whiteboard again recently and realized that I have been getting back to reaching a point of productivity that I haven’t reached in quite some time.

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Kamatayan

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San Juan Kalayaan, Laguna
I can recall only two times when I had a near-death experience, both relating to water. It’s been twenty-seven years on this planet, and yet, I still am unable to tread water. One time, me and my friends were at a local indoor swimming pool and we decided to go towards the deep end of the pool. We followed each other around the perimeter, holding onto the edge with our wet hands. At one side of the pool, there was a covering made of slippery material. Once I got to that side, I noticed I was having a tough time gripping and, before you know it, I lose grip, sink, and started to panic. When they tell you your life flashes before your eyes, they were darn right.

FUUUUUUH, I didn’t even have my first kiss yet. I didn’t get to catch all the Pokémon. And I won’t ever know what happens in the season finale of Boy Meets World.

I was so fortunate that I was able to grab onto someone’s trunks and push myself up. Ever since then, I’ve had this fear of water. But what about death?

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Sumulyap

 

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4AM thoughts.

The heart has been heavier lately. The brain has been exhausted. The feet aching. The eyes droopy.

Bish, don’t kill my viiibe. Bish, don’t kill my viiibe.

I think of what happened this past weekend in the state south of me. I think of how “the leader of the free world” has fostered this type of environment to allow these sad hooligans to come out of the woodwork. I pay attention on a daily basis to the obscene headlines, the offensive actions, repugnant tweets. It’s to the point of numbness, like from a lack of blood circulating to the extremities. Should anything be shocking to us anymore? We’ve seen what we’ve seen, the masks have been removed, and the person who we knew then is still the person we see today.

I tend to carry the weight of the world and the burdens of others on my shoulders. I know…it’s unnecessary and truthfully unhealthy. That’s just my biological makeup. But I – we – must maintain composure. It is these trying times when I feel useless if I don’t take action. I gotta do something about it. But what?

I have the urge to unplug myself from the electricity of social media and television (okay, DVRed shows). I’ve done it before several times. It’s sensory overload. Although these avenues are typically where I receive my entertainment and news, it’s become a bit too much. It’s a symptom of not having a full-time job. It’s what eats up a lot of my time. Maybe I just need a little alcohol in me.

I want to do more exciting things. I should go hiking more. I should learn how to DJ. I should edit these damn videos. I should read more books. I should be writing more. On the other hand, I feel guilty partaking in these pleasures because 1) I just want a job, at least a better-paying one, 2) My full-time job right now is getting a full-time job, and 3) I NEED MORE MONEY. Oh, October you can’t come soon enough.

Sobrang miss na miss ko kayong lahat. Araw-gabi. At sana, magkikita rin tayo ulit. Sa madaling panahon. At ngingiti kami. Tatawa kami. At magiging masaya kami. Hintayin mo na lang ako ha…

It would be nice to have a day where I could be totally irresponsible and forget my worries. Not report to my airport shift. Take a long road trip. BOSTON, ANYONE?! It’s been a while since I traveled. Oh, how I spoiled myself last year and the year before.

By the way, y’all…I just got hipped to Copeland this past week. How did I miss out on them? They would have fit perfect during my high school days. Been listening to their music all week. Which reminds me, I haven’t been to a concert in soooooo long.

I’m trying to get back to my pre-freshman 15 weight.
SEE ME IN A COUPLE MONTHS, BOIIII!
I actually don’t know what weight that was back then. But, basically, I’m trying to get to a respectable number on the scale. YA FEEL ME?

I’ll leave you with this:

We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must – at that moment – become the center of the universe.

Elie Wiesel

 

Tomorrow, I’ll be fine again.


Songs of the moment

IV OF SPADES – Ilaw Sa Daan

Copeland – Erase

Elliott Smith – Strung Out Again

Don McLean – Vincent

13 Months (and a Week)

June 24, 2016.

That was day I happily quit my office job and said sayonara to my coworkers. I recall my projectmates being shocked that I announced my exit only two weeks prior. My previous projectmates knew this would eventually happen as I had told them all about the courses I was taking and expressed excitement in the material I was learning. Only a month before did I earn my Master’s degree in hopes of making a smooth career shift into a different field. Or maybe a career pivot.

At the time, I was so certain of myself and the direction I was heading towards. Before I began working the regular 9 to 5, I wanted to take a hiatus. And I prepared for this for several months before my last day in the office. Having worked three years full-time and schooling part-time, I deserved a nice, long vacation before diving back into the dreaded ocean of corporate life. I didn’t realize the career switch wouldn’t go so smoothly as planned.

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